last night i had an anxiety dream.

a large bodied spider came after me

while i was naked under the sheets.

i rolled out of bed. and landed on the floor.

yield, february 3rd 1998/2022

 

"I believe the future is only the past again, entered through another gate."

~ Arthur Wing Pinero "The Second Mrs. Tanqueray", 1893

wiltern feb 2002

won't someone help me quick/i'm down and i'm feeling sick/there's just too much of my head that's showin'/god, if you won't help me/then help me, help me/cause I'm not exactly sure where I'm goin' --

if it's monday morning, beck, vedder, & mike ness

on 'licorice pizza'

wosney lambre @BigWos

...yes, these things we would find to be abhorrent, like an old dude getting in a u-haul truck, and purposefully grazing this young woman's tits and not thinking anything about it. like, it's fucked up, but it happened all the time, and we survived. it wasn't the bad guys...that's what he's saying with the movie. shit like that used to happen and guess what...you get up in the morning and we do whatever the fuck we had to do that day. that's what he's doing with the movie. it's look guys i get it...microaggressions and all this other shit it ruins your fucking day now. but in the seventies, your tit might get touched...an older woman might give you a hand job...and, guess what, we're fine. it's ok. move on with this shit. that's what i feel is happening in this movie. 

miss gillian howard welch was just a little deadhead #gdts #nye #wreckingball #souljourney

 

this is your mind on plants, michael pollan

 Don Victor on trauma -- 

"when any part of your body has been affected by destructive energies or trauma, the heart will close down to protect itself. a closed heart will not heal. it will not express its feelings. the mind becomes more active because the heart's not feeling anymore. the mind will go into the past or it will go into the future, which doesn't really exist, and it will get stuck in a chaos, between remembering the past and trying to go into the nonexistent future. and it will lose the gift of life, which is to live and be present in thee moment. that is why the word for a gift in spanish is presente." 

wachuma locates and unblocks the dense energies of trauma so that the mind might quiet and the heart might speak again, returning us to the gift that is the present moment. 

get back with chuck klosterman/bill simmons

in some ways watching this beatles thing kinda bummed me out. two things, 1) it really made me miss hanging out with some of my friends, some of the guys in new york when we would just sit around and talk about the beatles and talk about music... you know i'm looking at the beatles past and that's over, and then it's like that's also over -  that part of my life is over - and that was such an enriching time, it's done. 

and the other thing is, after watching this i listened to the george harrison solo record 'living in the material world' and he has that song 'be here now.' the idea is like you gotta live in the moment because the past is gone, every moment is gone. so you have to be here now.  

and it's like (long sigh)...the world just fucking sucks so much now. it's so bad now. everything, culture, everything is bad. and i look back at this period, the late sixties, when this shit was just happening all the time...it's like the beatles are making records, the stones are making records, zeppelin's making records. we are just about to move into this period of film that's gonna be better than any period that film will ever experience, and ever experienced again. all these things are happening. 

it's just...i watch the beatles eating toast and stuff. all they're having for breakfast is these toast. that would never happen to someone like the beatles now. they would never have a plate of toast, or whatever. technically everything is better now, we have all this stuff. like every part of life should be better... but it's just not the same. it's over. 

and i don't want to be here now. i want to be back then. 

it made me feel sad. i felt sad about it. i still feel sad talking about it.